The Love Seeker

When I look at my life… I’m sure I should see a timeline of events and causalities that have progressed to some sort of achievement. But instead, I see an antique animation wheel, spinning around and around. I realize that my search for happiness relies more on fate then on what I accomplish. That being so, I wonder if I would find more contention in having a ton of friends, a fancy job or maybe just a bitchin’ camero. But, I think that even if I fulfilled all secondary desires in life; I would still crave love to the point that no joy could be found.

What makes me feel that love is the foundation you need to build your castle? While some think it a flag you place atop the final tower; a minor adornment to their completeness. Is it really an over active need to be wanted and secure? Perhaps it’s my gender, combined with my age and sautéed in my self esteem. Don’t forget that dash of noggin babble derived from my loveless and unstable childhood- and voila- you have a romantic, cheesy, and at times-desperate… love seeker.

What ever the reasons behind it, all I really want is to matter to someone. I want to love and be loved back. Nothing really means anything to me without someone to share it with. I could go on being sappy about it all but instead I will sum it up with a song lyric…“I want a crazy crazy love, one that makes me come undone at the seams”.

I have been in love with love my whole life. But some days, it feels just as empty and unattainable as the desire for financial security or the acquisition of material goods. I worry that none of it is real; that love is nothing but endorphins and lies we tell ourselves before we cuddle up to that stranger in our bed. But… then I remember how wonderful it is to look at someone and know you belong to them. Not in a negative controlling way… but you belong with them, to them, and they to you. That feeling you get when you make eye contact with your lover across some crowded place as all else fades away and you are but two visitors in some foreign world.

And so it goes, around and around again… I begin to draw another heart in the sand knowing that the tide may wash it away tomorrow. Hoping beyond hope that love is all I believe it to be worth. I guess in conclusion, none of this self-searching ramble means much because I am always just a stranger’s smile away from giddy daydreams. Besides, I don’t know any other way to but this romantic, cheesy, and at times – desperate … love seeker.