When I look at my life… I’m sure I should see a timeline of events and causalities that have progressed to some sort of achievement. But instead, I see an antique animation wheel, spinning around and around. I realize that my search for happiness relies more on fate then on what I accomplish. That being so, I wonder if I would find more contention in having a ton of friends, a fancy job or maybe just a bitchin’ camero. But, I think that even if I fulfilled all secondary desires in life; I would still crave love to the point that no joy could be found.
What makes me feel that love is the foundation you need to build your castle? While some think it a flag you place atop the final tower; a minor adornment to their completeness. Is it really an over active need to be wanted and secure? Perhaps it’s my gender, combined with my age and sautéed in my self esteem. Don’t forget that dash of noggin babble derived from my loveless and unstable childhood- and voila- you have a romantic, cheesy, and at times-desperate… love seeker.
What ever the reasons behind it, all I really want is to matter to someone. I want to love and be loved back. Nothing really means anything to me without someone to share it with. I could go on being sappy about it all but instead I will sum it up with a song lyric…“I want a crazy crazy love, one that makes me come undone at the seams”.
I have been in love with love my whole life. But some days, it feels just as empty and unattainable as the desire for financial security or the acquisition of material goods. I worry that none of it is real; that love is nothing but endorphins and lies we tell ourselves before we cuddle up to that stranger in our bed. But… then I remember how wonderful it is to look at someone and know you belong to them. Not in a negative controlling way… but you belong with them, to them, and they to you. That feeling you get when you make eye contact with your lover across some crowded place as all else fades away and you are but two visitors in some foreign world.
And so it goes, around and around again… I begin to draw another heart in the sand knowing that the tide may wash it away tomorrow. Hoping beyond hope that love is all I believe it to be worth. I guess in conclusion, none of this self-searching ramble means much because I am always just a stranger’s smile away from giddy daydreams. Besides, I don’t know any other way to but this romantic, cheesy, and at times – desperate … love seeker.
Long Time no Type
My art life has picked up in recent months. I had a show on artwalk downtown just last month. This month, or tomorrow really, I was invited to donate to an art auction/benefit. Im excited to see how this goes down. Here are just some highlights from the past few months of painting, I need to get a better camera, thats for damn sure.
Heart and Mind
The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of. -Charles H. Perkhurst
I have spent many hours thinking of why and how we make choices- what causes us to act upon one thought and leave the others behind. So often in life we think we are doing what we need to, only to later regret our choices so deeply. It is ever so important to understand why we choose to do the things we do, so that we can avoid pain and find happiness.
There is something undeniably metaphysical inside each of us that is beyond the explanation of simple chemical reactions in the brain making our choices for us. Most would answer that it is our soul. This is my belief as well, but the soul itself is governed by two parts- the heart and the mind. When we are faced with a choice or dilemma in our lives, it is these two things that shape our decisions. But each is so very different in the way it trys to guide us and often this brings about indecision or conflict within.
These internal conflicts arise from everyday things like the heart desiring ice cream and the mind telling us it is not healthy- to the larger battles involving love and friendship. But which side should you listen to? It often depends upon the situation. There are things that can generally be set in one side or the other. For example, you should not choose a new car based upon the color that your heart fancies, but upon the data your mind gathers. Practical things should be mostly governed by the mind. However, issues such as love, friendship, and religion should be lead by the heart. And then there are times that both are required, such as in the discipline of a child or in the choosing of a puppy at the pound.
The mind tries to sway us by computing the most logical route to take. It weighs cautiously the odds and possible outcomes. Often though, it is full of memories or fear that keep us locked away from life, reminding us of what we read here or saw there or suffered then. The mind is the cautious, fatherly and worrisome side- trying desperately to keep us from harm no matter the loss of happiness and growth.
The heart is ever hoping and reaching for more. It begs to take the chances that the mind fears. The heart is what gives us courage to do what we are told we should not, the strength to do what we think we can not and the hope that all will be worth the risk. Even when the outcome is negative and the heart breaks- it amazingly keeps getting back up and crying out for more life. The heart is the child, the artist and the lover inside us- emotional and ever striving for happiness.
There is a strange, rather paternal relationship between the two. The mind attempts to keep the heart safe with it's caution, and the heart rebels against the mind with all it's passion. To live a life guided only by the mind, is a very safe yet miserable existence. And to always give in and follow your heart is reckless and can bring much pain.
Once we recognize that there are two governing sides to our soul we must next understand how important it is to know where each thought is coming from. For it is a terrible thing when we do not understand the bias behind an argument. An example of this would be that you would want to know if your friend was a hard core Catholic before you went to her for advice regarding abortion. Just as you shouldn't trust in a salesman working on commission as to which product is of the highest quality in his store. We must acknowledge the nature and origin of each thought about an issue so that we may put our faith and trust into all our decisions.
The foolish block out one sides arguments and run with the side they are most comfortable with.
The wise listen to each and know when to trust the mind and when to trust the heart.
And the enlightened know how to make the two want the same thing.
All of us have been the fool, the wise and the enlightened at some point in our lives. We must understand why we have such conflicting thoughts and what brings us to our decisions. Ideally, we need to listen to both the heart and mind while understanding each side's agenda. We should continually strive to keep ourselves safe when there is danger but also know when to follow our heart for something that is worth the risk.
I have spent many hours thinking of why and how we make choices- what causes us to act upon one thought and leave the others behind. So often in life we think we are doing what we need to, only to later regret our choices so deeply. It is ever so important to understand why we choose to do the things we do, so that we can avoid pain and find happiness.
There is something undeniably metaphysical inside each of us that is beyond the explanation of simple chemical reactions in the brain making our choices for us. Most would answer that it is our soul. This is my belief as well, but the soul itself is governed by two parts- the heart and the mind. When we are faced with a choice or dilemma in our lives, it is these two things that shape our decisions. But each is so very different in the way it trys to guide us and often this brings about indecision or conflict within.
These internal conflicts arise from everyday things like the heart desiring ice cream and the mind telling us it is not healthy- to the larger battles involving love and friendship. But which side should you listen to? It often depends upon the situation. There are things that can generally be set in one side or the other. For example, you should not choose a new car based upon the color that your heart fancies, but upon the data your mind gathers. Practical things should be mostly governed by the mind. However, issues such as love, friendship, and religion should be lead by the heart. And then there are times that both are required, such as in the discipline of a child or in the choosing of a puppy at the pound.
The mind tries to sway us by computing the most logical route to take. It weighs cautiously the odds and possible outcomes. Often though, it is full of memories or fear that keep us locked away from life, reminding us of what we read here or saw there or suffered then. The mind is the cautious, fatherly and worrisome side- trying desperately to keep us from harm no matter the loss of happiness and growth.
The heart is ever hoping and reaching for more. It begs to take the chances that the mind fears. The heart is what gives us courage to do what we are told we should not, the strength to do what we think we can not and the hope that all will be worth the risk. Even when the outcome is negative and the heart breaks- it amazingly keeps getting back up and crying out for more life. The heart is the child, the artist and the lover inside us- emotional and ever striving for happiness.
There is a strange, rather paternal relationship between the two. The mind attempts to keep the heart safe with it's caution, and the heart rebels against the mind with all it's passion. To live a life guided only by the mind, is a very safe yet miserable existence. And to always give in and follow your heart is reckless and can bring much pain.
Once we recognize that there are two governing sides to our soul we must next understand how important it is to know where each thought is coming from. For it is a terrible thing when we do not understand the bias behind an argument. An example of this would be that you would want to know if your friend was a hard core Catholic before you went to her for advice regarding abortion. Just as you shouldn't trust in a salesman working on commission as to which product is of the highest quality in his store. We must acknowledge the nature and origin of each thought about an issue so that we may put our faith and trust into all our decisions.
The foolish block out one sides arguments and run with the side they are most comfortable with.
The wise listen to each and know when to trust the mind and when to trust the heart.
And the enlightened know how to make the two want the same thing.
All of us have been the fool, the wise and the enlightened at some point in our lives. We must understand why we have such conflicting thoughts and what brings us to our decisions. Ideally, we need to listen to both the heart and mind while understanding each side's agenda. We should continually strive to keep ourselves safe when there is danger but also know when to follow our heart for something that is worth the risk.
Cohesion
Well, ive actually been painting a lot, just haveing been updateing here. But heres one- will add more in a bit.
Art show?
So, ive been invited to show my work at a gallery from July 27th to the end of September. Ive never been to the gallery- its in Minneapolis- but here is there site ---spotart. Im scared, this will be my first real thing. But im excited too. Now I apparently have to write a bio? my god, I have no idea what to write.
Please
I spent the better part of a week on this one... changeing it... changing it back.. and now... here she is.......
The Beast
First she had a cat coming out of her, then I changed it to this dragon. I wish he had turned out a little meaner looking then he did :P but I really didnt want to mess with him anymore. And DAMN photobucket wont stop deleting this one for offensive content!!!!
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